Before you go
Agree beforehand who will ask what. A meeting where five relatives interrogate one young person rarely goes well. It helps to choose one or two people from each side to lead the conversation, and to leave time for the couple to talk, even briefly.
Dress comfortably and arrive on time. If you are visiting a home, bring something small, such as sweets or fruit. The tone you set in the first ten minutes carries through the whole meeting.
Getting to know the person
Start with open questions that invite a story rather than a yes or no. Listen to how the person answers as much as to what they say.
- What does a normal week look like for you?
- What do you enjoy doing when you are not working?
- How did you choose your career or study?
- What are you proud of?
- What is your family like to be around?
Values and daily life
This is where the real compatibility lives. Ask gently, and share your own answers too, so it feels like a conversation and not an interview.
- How important is religion or tradition in your daily life?
- What does a good marriage look like to you?
- How do you usually handle disagreement?
- How do you feel about living with, or close to, parents after marriage?
- What are your thoughts on both partners working?
- How do you like to spend festivals and holidays?
Practical questions for parents
Parents often have practical points to raise. It is fine to ask, as long as it is done respectfully and not as a checklist.
- Where does the family expect the couple to live?
- Would either partner consider moving to another city or country?
- What are the family’s expectations about the wedding?
- How involved will the extended family be in the couple’s life?
Avoid pressing on money. Questions about income or assets are better left to a second meeting, and demands connected to the wedding, such as dowry, are a serious warning sign.
Questions that are better left for later
Some topics are better raised once both sides are comfortable. Detailed finances, past relationships and health history are important, but they are not first-meeting material unless the other person raises them. When you do discuss them, do it privately and with care.
What to listen for
Good signs include a person who answers directly, asks questions in return, speaks respectfully about family and exes, and is comfortable saying “I am not sure yet”. Be cautious if answers are vague about basic facts, if a parent speaks over the candidate all the time, or if you are being rushed.
If something does not add up, note it and follow up through trusted people. If you ever feel pressured or unsafe, you can leave, and you can report a concern about a profile on Khandaan.
After the meeting
Give yourselves a day before deciding. Talk privately as a family, and ask the person getting married what they felt, not just what they thought. A polite message of thanks goes a long way, whatever the decision. If the answer is no, our guide to saying no to a rishta politely has wording you can use.
Frequently asked questions
Who should be at a first rishta meeting?
Usually the candidate, their parents and perhaps one or two close relatives from each side. A smaller group is more relaxed and gives the couple space to talk.
How long should a first meeting last?
Often an hour or two. Long enough to get a sense of the family, short enough that nobody feels trapped.
Is it appropriate to ask about salary at the first meeting?
It is usually better to wait. Education and occupation are normally shared in the profile already. More detail can follow once both sides want to continue.